Ask The Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton #1
Greetings piscatorial truthseekers! If you’ve done much poking around lately, you’ve probably noticed that everybody knows everything, and it’s therefore impossible to get a straight answer to anything. Fantastic, thanks Mr. McLuhan. The media is the message, and the message is WTF? Is anybody not an expert?
Well, Buster’s no expert and we’re not ashamed. But Buster shares your frustration, so in an effort to dull the roar we’ve decided to get our own expert. And not just any expert, but one who’s got nothing at stake, no potential customers to lose and, well, no dick to wave. Buster Wants To Fish now presents the very first installment of what will doubtless become your sole and indisputable font of all flyfishing knowledge…
Ask The Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton
Hy. I thynk fyt to tell thee these followinge trvths, That I dyd nyther vndertake, nor wryte, nor pvblish, and much less owne, this Dyscourse to please myselfe. I dyd it to ympress this chyk at the pye shoppe, and she’s a honye. So let’s get on with it, scamps.
OK. Our first question comes from Ryan A. in Rancho Merde, AZ:
“Hello, Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton. Should I thread tippet through the top or the bottom of the hook eye?”
Fantastic question Ryan. I’m really really glad you asked. Really. And thank your mom for helping you type it. She’s a stone cold fox. Next!
OK then. Next up is an email question from donny_roolz@springridgeclub.$$$:
“I’ve been having trouble with some big pig rainbows that I stocked located. I can’t get them to bite! Lefty An expert associate of mine told me that I was suffering from something called “microdrag”. How can I get rid of it? Help!”
Well, Dougy, your “associate” is clearly either a blithering idiot or a thief. Microdrag is indeed a problem, but the solution isn’t to get rid of it, you need to amplify it! That’s why you need my new book and 2-DVD instruction set, “Be A Drag: Lifting Your Way To Hatchery Hawg Heaven”. Only $39.99. Order today.
Next up is Steve D. from Seattle, WA:
“Back in the olde timey days, how did you enjoy cold beverages astream? I mean, I could be wrong, but I don’t think they had originated Rainer tall boys back then.”
What are you kidding? I hung with the clergy, there was a jug stashed behind every stump. And sometimes Cotton would come by with that damned bong and I’m lucky I never drowned.
Dave L. from Lerxst Settlement, NY asks:
“Hey, isn’t this a ripoff of that old “Hideous Jabbering Head of Abe Lincoln” thing that used to be on the web but that I can’t seem to find any more?”
Good call Dave, these miscreants totally ganked the idea. Shameless lazy drunks, aren’t they? Any chance you can get me out of here?
And finally a question from our very own Smithhammer, shouted through the bathroom door:
“On a day like yesterday, how many fish should I have expected to catch?”
Five. Hey he’s been in there for over half an hour. I think you cheap bastards need to get a new copy of Juggs.
OK, I think he’s getting a little tired and cranky, that’s enough for now. Buster would like to thank Epol, the dude who works down in the boiler room, for securing and reanimating The Head. Great work. I know we promised not to ask questions, but why does it smell like onions?
If you have a question for The Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton, please leave it in the comments. He’ll probably ignore it, but please try, it makes him feel wanted.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
“Hello, Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton. Should I thread tippet through the top or the bottom of the hook eye?”
Fantastic question Ryan. I’m really really glad you asked. Really. And thank your mom for helping you type it. She’s a stone cold fox. Next!
that’s agreat question because the answer doesn’t matter. no matter which way ryan threads the tippet it takes him 12 minutes to tie his improved clinch knot.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
hey, that’s a personal best for 5x
November 7th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Hey Izaak? WHy do women look so good in hip boots?
November 7th, 2007 at 6:11 am
Hey Izaak…vest or chest pack?
November 7th, 2007 at 6:40 am
Izaak,
November 7th, 2007 at 6:41 am
Izaak, What are your thoughts on taimen?
November 7th, 2007 at 6:54 am
cute little fuckers. just sayin’
November 7th, 2007 at 7:26 am
Mr. Izaak, how do you feel about tying nymphs with weighted treble hooks and then soaking them in roe or power bait?
November 7th, 2007 at 7:30 am
Hahaha.
Issak, is it true that Mountain Khakis cure cancer and hemorrhoids? Is there such a thing as too much junk in a trunk?
Why oh why does Bavaria have all the comely beer lasses?
Where is my Triploid magazine?
November 7th, 2007 at 7:58 am
Dear Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton,
Why is the Great Lakes steelheading better than steelhead fishing on the West Side? We had ‘em first.
Wallace
November 7th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Mr. Walton, Do you believe that Patagonia makes good ski pants? If so, what do you feel is a fair price for a slightly used pair of Patagonia ski pants, size 34?
November 7th, 2007 at 9:40 am
Dear Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton,
Why would someone hide the 5th piece of a five piece rod in the same Rod Bag?
And……..Why can’t you put the remaining pieces together as a 4 piece rod?
November 7th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Hilarious guys dont stop !
Mr Walton, how do I know if the squirrels in my yard are zonked or not ?
November 7th, 2007 at 9:49 am
dear Izaak, why are Canadians so goddamned stoopit?
November 7th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Dear Izaak, are flies considered flies when tied with foam? How bout your thoughts on pegged beads?
November 7th, 2007 at 9:56 am
Dear Izaak,
What’s the best way to get into Cathy Beck’s basement?
November 7th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Dear Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton,
In Star Wars, how come a lot of the guys who werk for the empire speak with British accents when they are in outer-space, and there is no Britain?
Hugs,
Snap
November 7th, 2007 at 11:30 am
Dear Izaak-
How long from tooth to tail for store-brand niblets?
November 7th, 2007 at 11:35 am
For some reason I don’t think you guys are taking this very seriously.
November 7th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Dear mister Walton,
Did your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson startup walmart? If so, fuckyouverymuch.
November 7th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Serious question: what is your all time favorite ABBA song?
November 7th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Dear Izaak,
My new Waders came with three legs.
Should I use the outside ones or alternate feet in the middle one?
Is this Simms new idea to prolong the life of their waders?
November 7th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
legs go in the outside, JR. goes up the middle. Pissing in middle wader leg is tempting, but voids the warranty.
November 7th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Oh check out Mr. Exspurto.
November 8th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
I-sac,
How many bong hits does it take to get to the center of a tootsiepop?
November 11th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
Dear Mr. Walton…The other day I saw a two volume print of that craptastic book you wrote at Orvis for $500.00. But those bastards had it marked down to $250.00. How much of that do you get?
January 27th, 2008 at 10:07 am
[…] Busterwantstofish’s Hideous Jabbering Head of Izaak Walton has been on sabbatical of late, so I was forced to go to his original tome. The Carp is the Queen of Rivers: a stately, good and very subtle fish. The Carp, if he have water-room and good feed, will grow to a very great bigness and length; I have heard, to be much above a yard long. […]